Now that we’ve made it through Independence Day, it’s time for the truly lazy, hazy days of summer. As excited as we are about family vacations, long days at the beach, and a daily evening chorus of katydids, the flip side of summer means that every moment in the outdoors — away from the comforts of air conditioning in hot, humid conditions — is going to make us sweat … sometimes in places on our body we’d never think about the rest of the year. Enter that unique summer quandary: swamp crotch. It’s that moment when your junk gets in a funk from good old-fashioned sweat pooling up in places that, unless you’re at a nude beach, we can’t just expose to fresh air on a tepid midsummer’s day.
Never fear, because the global grooming industry has developed solutions to address sweaty balls, creating products with names worthy of an episode of Beavis and Butt-Head — Tame-the-Beast (snicker), Anti-monkey Butt (snort), and so on. And although we recommend at least one old-school solution, many of these upstart products focus on using natural, organic ingredients, so you can feel good about protecting the family jewels. We’re also tossing in one textile-based solution for good measure, but until Toto comes up with a handy travel-size toilet, we’ve got you — and your business — covered.
And if you need stuff for the rest of your body, check out the winners of The Manual Grooming Awards 2018.
It’s summer, when every man’s fancy turns to … charcoal? Not just great for grilling up sausages, use it to keep that hot dog and his buddies cool and dry. Ballwash body wash includes activated charcoal to trap toxins, while drawing out bacteria, “poisons,” and dirt. Follow up with Nut Rub (sigh) solid cologne, and a spritz of Sack Spray (head shaking).
Who doesn’t appreciate a little tingle “down there” from time to time? Bálla’s Tingle Formula adds a little minty zest to “fine Italian talcum powder” to get your day off to a fresh start. Bring on the caipirinhas. It’s also available in an easy to use, non-aerosol body spray in an oak and musk scent to mask that fetid swamp crotch smell.
The Freshballs website says it best: “Long walks on the beach … are humid and musty.” So are morning commutes, daily workouts, and rooftop bars this time of year. We like the idea of using a product that incorporates chamomile, cucumber, aloe, and vitamin E, even if it does sound a bit like something our local artisanal barkeep might shake up. It’s handy to throw into a backpack or stow in a bathroom drawer, and this pre-pack incorporates Fresh Balls Lotion (don’t say we didn’t warn you). Be careful, though: Mental Floss says using wet wipes can lead to allergic reactions!
Your workday ran a little late or you want to hit the bar after an intense session with your ZogSports volleyball team? Grab Instant Clean Balls spray to give those sweaty balls a quick, refresher. It’s infused with a citrus and black pepper fragrance, which may or may not put you in the mood for a chicken dinner. Below The Belt also makes Fresh and Dry Balls Anti-Perspirant Gel, available various fragrances and fragrance-free, for $8.50.
Since we’re already at the table, how about a beer to go with that dinner? Fromonda’s powder puts in mind of nothing less than a strong, bitter quaff of India pale ale, combining essential oils from both citrus and hops into its formula for a clean, refreshing finish. The company does us one better by donating ten percent of its profits to the Sean Kimerling Testicular Cancer Foundation. Cheers!
Because who knew you needed a multi-purpose product to take care of your — ahem — nuts. Tame The Beast says it handles anti-aging, anti-shriveling, anti-chafing, anti-dryness, anti-sagging (make it stop), and all with a eucalyptus glow. It is also crafted from all-natural, intense botanicals (how could something called comfrey root be wrong?). The company offers an extreme version with menthol, and yet another variation called Nut Butter Edibles. Get ready — it’s crunch time.
Despite the crazy name, Anti-Monkey Butt products were originally invented by dirt bike riders, so they have some serious street … er … trail cred, plus the product range is developed for men, women, and babies (babies get swamp crotch, too!). Combining calamine and talc, the anti-friction powder helps keep your buns from getting red whether breathing dirt and fumes all day or just desk jockeying.
A straightforward name for a straightforward product. No Sweat Body Defense is a talc-free cream that turns to a powder once it dries, providing a “defensive barrier for your delicate areas and private parts.” (Shouldn’t Anthony at least change his name to Richard?)
Going beyond Shaquille O’Neal, Gold Bond now is now even keeping WWE’s Money In the Bank team cool and dry. We like the brand’s old-school approach, updated in a spray for focused powder application.
Hi-ho, Silver! Ejis micro-modal briefs are fused with silver to fight odor-causing bacteria, while the brand’s patent-pending sweat-proof system includes a thin waterproof layer in each pair to stop sweat from ever reaching the outside of a pair of pants or shorts.
Now you know how to avoid and prevent swamp crotch, get some advice on how to treat swamp ass.