The internet is a strange, strange place. We’re not talking about the dark web or any black market sites, though. We’re talking about your run-of-the-mill, everyday internet. In this case, we’re talking about online giant Amazon and the fact that, among the billions of normal, every day, not-crazy-in-any-way items you can purchase, there is also a metric sh*t ton of weird stuff available.
We went down a rabbit hole deeper than anything Alice ever attempted on a quest to find the weirdest things on Amazon that you could (in theory) eat. While there are plenty of odd objects that you can buy and use in a variety of ways (including, but not limited to, things like the book Images You Should Not Masturbate To), we set out to find the ones that you can allegedly put inside your body and derive some sort of nutrition from. You’d just have to get over the fact that you are about to eat, say, testicle jerky.
If you are of a weak constitution, you may want to sit this one out. Otherwise, scroll on, intrepid reader, and if you’re up to it, pick some of these items up. If you do, make sure to send us photo proof.
Earthworm Jerky
Let’s start off strong with earthworm jerky. When you were in high school, did you ever look down during biology class and wonder, “Wow, I wonder what these guys taste like when dehydrated?” Yeah, we didn’t either. But someone did and that is why we have this item. We now know that, when jerky-ed, earthworms look like the fries that you dropped in your car. Six years ago. We only hope the spicy marinade covers up the taste of bile that will inevitably build in the back of your throat.
Earthworm Jerky
Canned Zebra Tarantulas
Continuing on the creepy crawly train, we present canned zebra tarantulas. These suckers are boiled, dehydrated (not fried, as the description is sure to point out … as if that matters), and stuffed in a can whole. There are also no artificial colors or flavors, though if you ask us, there probably should be. Canned tarantulas are a great source of protein (and a great way to scare the living sh*t out of anyone who has annoyed you lately).
Canned Zebra Tarantulas
Grandma’s White Dirt
This is literal dirt, taken from the ground and sold to be ingested. While it was a common practice in times of want to eat dirt because for its mineral properties, we still can’t quite get over that in this day and age. Each order of Grandma’s White Dirt gets you over one pound of unprocessed, freshly-mined dirt. What does it for us is the packaging. We’re pretty big fans of the fact that this white dirt comes in a standard Ziploc bag.
Grandma’s White Dirt
Smoked Rattlesnake
With that dirty little interlude over, we’re back to the ground-bound elite with smoked rattlesnake meat (yeehaw!). In certain parts of the country, rattlesnake meat is served often and in a variety of ways, but we can’t get over the canned factor of this one particular item. Maybe if we didn’t know it was rattlesnake before eating it, we’d do it, but the thought of a slithering beast being stuffed into a can puts us over the edge into Nope-landia.
Smoked Rattlesnake
Ranch Dressing Soda
This might honestly be the least offensive (or most offensive, if you’re the adventurous sort and view those that put ranch dressing on everything as the scum of the Earth) item on the list. Made with cane sugar and boasting a “100-percent authentic taste,” this soda is the perfect complement to … well, it probably goes great with something. We can’t get over the thought of cane sugar and ranch powder together, which is how we assume this soda came into being. The company that makes this soda, Lester’s Fixins Food Sodas, also makes sweet corn- and bacon-flavored pop, both of which sound more appetizing than this iteration.
Ranch Dressing Soda
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Know what rocky mountain oysters are? If you didn’t, you do now. Now, rocky mountain oysters on their own may be too high of a mountain to climb (even though, when breaded and fried, you’d have a hard time knowing what they were), but take that image in your head and dehydrate it. If you’re a guy reading this, chances are you feel for that bull. There was probably the sharp intake of breath and the involuntary covering of one’s own parts. For us, this item makes the list for having to think about the process of making it.
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If you’ve ever read any Harry Potter book, you know what these are. In the novels, Every Flavor Beans have the potential to be the best flavors on the planet or the worst. Because magic. Well, it was magic until jelly bean giant Jelly Belly decided to seize the moment and make some of the most disgusting flavors come to life. Boxes of Berti Bott’s contain not only good flavors like cherry or buttered popcorn, but also fresh cut grass and vomit. We’re of the camp that if we have to taste vomit, it’s because we’ve worked hard to get to that point (read: we drank too much, didn’t hydrate, and generally acted the fool the night before).
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