Heinz Squirts Out Mayomust and Mayocue Because They Can

It is March 2019 and amazing things are happening. It was reported that a second man was cured of AIDS. Space tourism is increasingly becoming a thing. Flying cars are being considered during the tire design process. All great things, all working on advancing society in a great and wonderful way.

And then you turn around and realize that a product called Mayomust is now a thing that exists. Not just Mayomust, but also Mayocue. We’ll give you the necessary the three seconds needed to figure out what concoctions are now being sold by Heinz.

Yes, after the viral success of Mayochup, mayonnaise and ketchup (there were over 680,000 votes in favor of bringing the product to shelves), ketchup giant Heinz doubled down on the blended game and introduced a barbecue sauce blend and a mustard blend to the masses. We’ve come so far as a society — so far — and yet we’re still somehow at a point where people find the need to have their condiments pre-blended.

In a statement, Heinz director of marketing Nicole Kulwicki praised the new flavors, saying, “Sauce lovers nationwide have been mixing different condiments to create flavor combinations that will take their favorite foods to the next level for years. First with Mayochup sauce and now with Mayocue and Mayomust sauces, we’re taking out the guesswork to give our fans the perfect condiment blends from the start!”

The guesswork. Of adding equal parts mayonnaise and another condiment together. Of course.

Each blend will come in a 16.5-ounce bottle and will retail for around $3.50. Both Mayomust and Mayocue are expected to hit shelves in stores and online later in March.

While Heinz is at it, we’ve decided to take the guesswork out of coming up with other condiments that don’t need to be blended with mayonnaise but probably will be due to what will most likely be the success of these condabominations. We have a strong feeling that any and all of the following will show up (just like those Oreo flavors no on in particular wanted) in 2020 and beyond:

• Mayosa (mayo + salsa)
• Mayoyaki (mayo + teriyaki)
• Mayoguac (mayo + guacamole)
• Mayomole (mayo + mole)
• Mayoyo (mayo + more mayo)

Really, we’d be happy if they just brought purple ketchup back.