Men’s grooming is suddenly more mysterious than women’s. Since Amazon first introduced its Men’s Grooming store in 2013, we’ve come to find men spend as much money as women on beauty products, but you might be surprised to learn what some of those products are.
The beauty kings of the world have spoken and they want clip-in man buns, lotion for their family jewels, and two-day shipping directly to their doorsteps. Amazon has streamlined the ease of purchasing men’s grooming products, whether it’s ordinary shaving cream or, even stranger, bacon-flavored beard oil.
Here are the most bizarre men’s grooming products stacked on Amazon’s digital racks that might actually make you feel more beautiful…or not.
The hottest men in the world from Leonardo DiCaprio to Jake Gyllenhaal have had their man bun stage. You don’t have to miss out on the lewk, especially if your hair is beginning to thin. Voila! A clip-in man bun with an almost five-star rating. Yes, most reviewers bought it as a gag-gift, but they admitted it looked really good.
I wish my beard smelled like bacon without having to lather my face in greasy breakfast strips. If you’ve had this thought like hundreds of other men (literally, this product has over 100 positive reviews), you’re not alone. Simply Great Beard Oil is bacon-scented but still vegan and cruelty-free. Made in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, this is the weirdest, smartest grooming product we’ve ever heard of.
We’re not sure who still has a goatee, but apparently a lot of dudes who turn to this “Ultimate Goatee Outliner” to help shape their square patch of not-quite-beard, not-quite-stache. Great for guys who want to look like super villains. But we suggest going to a local barber who will talk you out of this facial hairstyle.
If the name “fresh balls lotion” wasn’t enough to make you cringe, this grooming product states that it “prevents wetness.” The easy-apply lotion is a U.S.-made soothing powder to replace ball powder and is anti-chafe, talc-free, paraben-free, and aluminum-free. Dudes on Amazon attest to loving the stuff.
While these 3D, slim-cut bikini underwear have no reviews and therefore no stars and are not even technically a grooming product, it says something that they still exist on Amazon. It’s not a good idea doing your morning or evening skincare routine in a nice suit so as not to damage the fabric, so I guess these “soft and comfortable to wear” wolf-bulge underwear are better?
Most men wear cologne. From Tom Ford to Chanel, eau de toilette is a regular part of a man’s grooming process. But some of those men don’t want a designer label — they want pure sex-panther-esque human pheromones to dab on their pulse for the sole purpose of attracting a woman. A shocking 3,954 men on Amazon have paid for and given an almost five-star review for 2 oucnes of “Extra Strength Concentration of Human Grade Pheromones.” Women of the world, get ready to be seduced. One reviewer wrote, “Its only been a week, but so far, my girlfriend of 10 years seems to hate me less. Totally worth the money.”
Freshen up your penis! This Velv’Or Manhood Penis Refresh Intimate Genital Deodorant Spray will keep your junk fresh as a daisy and smelling great. Quick side-note from a woman: We are not thinking about how your dick smells. But if the scent of your johnson is important to you as a man, you can use this discreet silver spray. Or just take a shower.
Imagine a donut-shaped bar of soap of which proportions allow for complete 360-degree cleaning of your pecker. Yep. You can buy one of those. Hopefully as a gag gift. *face-palm*
Look for the box that says “morning head” for a reusable shower cap that allows a man to quickly wet and style their unkempt hair into office-ready style. Counter-intuitive to a traditional shower cap, for this one, you add water and put on your head (not that one), massage your scalp and hair, remove, and you’re done. This product is obviously for the guy who owns penis-refreshing spray, seeing as it helps men avoid showering at all costs.
Instead of doing a quick set of crunches before your date arrives, rub some cream on your dad belly. Boom! A six-pack. Claiming to deliver “Rapid Water Loss,” this grooming cream uses heat activated thermogenic magic that releases fat cells while tightening your skin. About 49 percent of reviewers gave it a five-star review while another 24 percent say it’s trash with one star. But, since we’ll never stop eating barbecue meats, we’ve grown to love our little abs of steak.
Maybe stick to these classic grooming tips instead.