The Bulletproof, Million-Dollar Ramsmobile SUV Has an Optional Hookah

Every niche in the automotive industry seems locked in a perpetual arms race. High-end automakers have battled for decades to see who can unveil the latest world’s fastest car. Electric vehicle manufacturers are trying to out-do their competition with longer range batteries. For security-minded auto manufacturers, it’s all about building the most absurd mobile safe rooms imaginable. We thought we’d seen it all, but one Belarus automaker has just rewritten the rules yet again.

When describing a vehicle like a half-million-dollar up-armored Bentley Bentayga or this assault-ready, bulletproof Audi RS7, it’s hard not to pile on the superlatives. “Ridiculous,” “unnecessary,” and “insane” seem most appropriate. Few human beings need a vehicle like these. Although, for high-profile figures — foreign diplomats, dot com billionaires, and Beyonce — an argument for their necessity could be made. No such argument exists for the new Ramsmobile RM-X2, however.

The so-called “multipurpose hypercar” is more like an FUV (that would be “Franken-utility-vehicle”). It’s as if a video-game-obsessed adolescent and a Russian oligarch collaborated on an absurd, one-off vehicle with unwitting technical assistance from Batman’s Lucius Fox. The vehicle’s marketing is rife with pseudo-philosophical babble about style, existence, and the devil. Ramsmobile’s website lures potential buyers thusly: “Are you prepared for the best technologies working at the limit of their capabilities to keep your emotions on edge or even higher?”

For now, the RM-X2 is available in two models. Both talk a big game and are best described in Ramsmobile’s own words. According to CNET, the company pitches the entry-level Ascetic trim with a curious emotional appeal: “Performance and style are dedicated to the most extreme type of human nature, directed to survive in this world by solitude, refusing the unneeded comforts, instead sacrificing that for larger discoveries and self-realization.”

The upgraded Devil trim promises more … just more of everything. “Luxury and darkness! Technology and mysticism! The content excites the imagination, which is complemented by functionality: a continuous track, wheels up to 20-24 inches, gold trim.” That last part refers to the Devil’s 15-inch-wide tank tread which can be upgraded to a super-wide 24-inch variation. Both models come standard with a Corvette-sourced, 6.2-liter, V8 gas engine pushing a purported 999 horsepower.

The company is promising a long list of luxury options, although it’s vague as to which trim levels each will be available on. A carbon-fiber body will help keep the weight to a scant 3,300 pounds. Teflon coating on the undercarriage ensures nothing like mud, salt, or zombies will stick to it. Ramsmobile also confirms the truck can float, and it’s working on converting the exhaust into a jet-propulsion system. Military-grade bulletproof hardening and a so-called “bio-warfare station” are also available. Ramsmobile is even touting a built-in electronic hookah system so you can get your smoke on while watching the world burn in the rear-view.

Official pricing for all this absurdity is vague, although Ramsmobile is hinting the RM-X2 Ascetic trim will start at $999,999. That would be “666” upside-down, twice. Cool, right? It promises a special edition flagship model — codenamed “The Guardian of Souls” — is also in the works with a sticker price topping $3 million. It sounds like Xzibit is about to get a very lucrative phone call.

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