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You Can Catch Us Riding Dirty in this Motorized Pool Lounger All Summer Long

Be the Vin Diesel of your community pool this summer with the Splash Runner motorized lounger. It doesn’t just drift. It cruises the water.

Som this pool lounger doesn’t pack the RPMs of a Dodge Charger, but it does come equipped with two 66-watt motorized propellers allowing for 360-degree freedom to cruise through the pool or lake.

Feeling a sunburn coming on? Motor over to the shade. “The Splash Runner puts you in the driver’s seat,” say the creators at Pool Candy.

Your hands simply operate the dual push-button control joysticks on each armrest — because if we wanted to be athletic we’d be kayaking. After all, this is what your Red Dead Redemption 2 training has been leading up to.

The 66-inch-by-44-inch float, plus the motorized components, weigh in 12 pounds and can accommodate a driver up to 300 pounds, which is pretty amazing when you think about it. Added features include a built-in cup holder and grille on the underwater motor so nobody slices their toes on the propellers. You’ll need 12 D batteries to get this baby purring, though, so be prepared.

How fast does it move, exactly? One Amazon member asked recently. Pool Candy replied: “Not very.” But hey, it’s a putter.

The Splash Runner is currently ranked fourth on Amazon for Best-Selling Swimming Pool Lounger and 50th for Best Grown-Up Toys … after all, this isn’t a Nerf Blaster.

Reviewers suggested not using this product on open water like oceans and lakes, especially if you’re hoping to swap this cruiser for your high-powered jet ski. The Splash Runner won’t hold up to currents or waves. But if your idea of a good time is getting hopelessly stranded in the middle of your town pond, by all means, try it out!

Pair the lounger with a remote-control drink floatie like the Excalibur Snack Float and your summer of sloth is ready to roll. Is this radio-controlled electronic a Ludacris-level toy he’d recommend to Dom? No. Do reviewers say it’s slow and gets knocked over by a strong wind? Sometimes. Other customers attest that the motorized drink and snack float is fun and completes delivery, albeit slowly. However, the Excalibur Snack Float does carry five Coronas and snacks in the center, like a tuna sandwich, no crust. Empty, it weighs a little over 6 pounds.

Cruise the water this summer and keep living your life — one slow quarter-mile at a time.