Skip to main content

What to Do When Your Friend Comes Out to You

We live in a time where people feel safer than ever to come out. A friend choosing to come out to you can be a disorienting experience when your perception of their sexuality or their gender is required to shift. But you should keep in mind that the road to that conversation was far more disorienting for your friend. Learn how to be there for them in this vulnerable time with a few helpful guidelines.

Show Gratitude for the Strength of Your Friendship

If someone is coming out to you for the first time, you are tremendously valuable to them. The friendship you share is something they want to maintain on the road to being their most authentic self.

FG Trade/Getty Images

“What I appreciated about the positive experiences were that they taught me the difference between a friend and an acquaintance,” said Casey*, 27, about his coming out experience. “I realized everyone who I was not coming out to was a mere acquaintance because they had only kept me around so long as I was living in a way that was acceptable to them or convenient for them.”

You’re being trusted with the unfiltered version of someone you care about, so you should take a moment to thank them for their bravery.

You’re being trusted with the unfiltered version of someone you care about, so you should take a moment to thank them for their bravery. And if you suspect someone you know is struggling to come out, you can also help them be brave.

“I can sense that they’re giving me a cue that I can come out if I want,” said Malcolm Jackson, 28, of his old and new friends pre-outing. “I’m gonna open the door for you a little bit.”

That little bit of cushion can help them feel safe, whether it’s showing approval for a queer celebrity or speaking out about LGBTQ rights.

Don’t Make It About You or Your Beliefs

Personally, and for virtually all of the queer people I talked to for background, one of the quirkiest responses to disclosing a non-heterosexual identity was an impulse friends had to center themselves. These reactions ranged from worrying that the person coming out had romantic or sexual feelings for them, to being upset that their newly queer friend wasn’t attracted to them.

Ljubaphoto/Gety Images

On the more conservative side of the spectrum, if you really can’t reconcile someone’s sexuality or gender identity, keep your beliefs to yourself. There are ways to tactfully and respectfully remove yourself from the relationship without putting pressure on them to conform to your concept of normality.

“You could see the color go from his face,” said Malcolm regarding a rare, negative coming out experience for him. “And then after that everything just stopped. No more hanging out. No more hitting me up to party. Then, I go on Facebook and I’m deleted as a friend.”

Though this person wasn’t the most upfront about ending the friendship, these actions were ultimately less mentally or physically harmful than trying to get Malcolm, a bartender in a progressive city, to change, or engaging him in violence. Eventually, they reconnected and this person was much more accepting. Luckily, Malcolm didn’t have to add his friend’s journey of personal growth to his already emotional coming out process.

Maintain Their Confidentiality

“No matter how educated or forward-thinking someone might appear, there’s truly no way to read their mind,” said Casey about being more tight-lipped about his sexuality at work. “There’s no way to know that talking about your sexual orientation won’t somehow put you on their ‘bad list’ and they won’t thereafter do everything they can to push you out of the office. People, I find, are like the weather: Hope for the best but plan for the worst.”

Be mindful that just because someone has come out to you, it doesn’t mean they’re out to everyone.

Be mindful that just because someone has come out to you, it doesn’t mean they’re out to everyone. Coming out in certain situations can disrupt family life, lead to consequences at work, and in the worst case scenario, make someone an open target for hate crimes. More often than not, it can just make the atmosphere uncomfortable, especially in culturally stagnant blind spots.

“The only time I can see myself performing and acting very differently is when I’m around Black men,” said Malcolm, a man of Black and Asian descent. “I feel their attitudes and their personalities change around me.”

Reassure Them

If you’re more liberal-minded, you should definitely let your friend know that your relationship hasn’t changed. Though it’s easier for people to come out nowadays, many people still lose friends and family during this experience. So talk the talk and walk the walk when it comes to nurturing your friendship. Make yourself more available for heartfelt conversations as well as regular hangouts.

New Pronouns? No Problem.

When a friend comes out as trans, they usually (but not always) will shift how they outwardly express their gender. This physical change can make it easier to remember pronouns, particularly when they rest squarely in the binary. Many people, however, are coming out as genderqueer and non-binary these days, so their gender expression might not change at all, skew towards androgyny, or only shift occasionally.

At the end of the day, having someone come out to you is an exercise in empathy. All you have to do is rise to the occasion.

They/them pronouns are particularly popular, but some people like Ze/Zir, Ey/Em, or something unique to their experience. Whatever they decide, write it down somewhere and commit it to memory. Trans and non-binary folks will expect you to mess up constantly at first, but the important thing is to show you’re actively trying to get used to the change. Approaching new pronouns with flippancy will likely hurt your friend and potentially make them feel as though their identity is invalid.

You should also hold other people accountable when they trip up or intentionally misgender your friend. This last note should be done with your friend’s permission because, as we’ve already noted, they might not want to be out to the person who misgendered them.

At the end of the day, having someone come out to you is an exercise in empathy. All you have to do is rise to the occasion.

*Pseudonym

Editors' Recommendations

J. Fergus
J. loves writing about the vices of life — decadent food, strong drinks, potent cannabis, and increasingly invasive…
The 10 best action movies on Amazon Prime that will blow you away
From The Tomorrow War to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, these are the best movies you can watch on Amazon Prime
how to watch the tomorrow war online

There's a reason action movies are so popular. The best action movies can thrill you with a dazzling combination of car chases, fight scenes, and special effects. The best action movies can also, and this is important, be wonderfully dumb. Indeed, the plot of an action movie is typically fairly unimportant, as long as the set pieces that get you from sequence to sequence are compelling enough. If you're looking for some great action, you don't need to look much further than these, which are some of the best action movies on Amazon Prime. Whether your goal is to find something gritty and realistic or something completely silly but joyous nonetheless, Prime has plenty of great movies to choose from.

For more great action movies, you can check out the best action movies on Netflix or the best action movies on Hulu.

Read more
The 11 best Sean Connery movies of all time
These films starring the Scottish actor rise above the rest
best sean connery movies ranked seanconnery1

Connery leans on the classic Bond Aston Martin on the set of Goldfinger.
If you're too young to remember the hype around Sean Connery, ask your parents or grandparents what it was like to be a movie fan during his era of stardom. There wasn't a person on the planet who didn't immediately think of Connery when listing the actors with the biggest screen presence. But what is it that makes this man so incredibly iconic? Could it be because he never changes his voice for movies because “the emotions should be the same, internationally”? Perhaps it’s because of his unique Scottish accent that any novice impersonator is sure to try and mimic. All we know for sure is: Connery’s James Bond is -- for an overwhelming majority -- the best and most memorable of all 007 iterations in history.
Though his big on-screen break was as the devilishly handsome and smooth secret agent, real fans know that Sean Connery was much more than that. Besides being a respectful, earnest, and successful actor, Connery spent his first 25 years -- starting at the age of 7 -- working manual labor jobs and eventually joining the Royal Navy at 16. Truly a man of many hidden talents, he also took dance lessons for 11 years, was offered a soccer contract with Manchester United, and also spent time working as a nude model for art students after being honorably discharged from the military.
There are so many reasons to love the late, great Sir Sean Connery, but we are here to praise him for his most memorable on-screen performances. Yes, James Bond will, of course, be mentioned, but we also bring out the later films in his career that made him so much himself. So mix yourself a vodka martini “shaken, not stirred” and help us celebrate the shining star that was Sean Connery.

Dr. No (1962)

Read more
The best James Bond books by Ian Fleming
Want the thrill of adventure from the safety of your couch? Then crack open any of these James Bond books
best ian fleming james bond books ranked flemming book tour getty images

We all have our favorite version of the iconic British secret agent that is Bond, James Bond. But before we thank Connery or Craig for their on-screen portrayals of the spy, we need to bow to Ian Fleming, a naval intelligence officer turned novelist who gained literary acclaim for being the author of the James Bond books.

He wrote “thrillers designed to be read as literature” and, while publishing over a dozen books, cracked open a world of exotic adventure, ultimate babes, gadgets, and gear, ultimately shaping the spy genre as we know it. When you want to dive into the thrill and adventure of working for the MI6 - while in your pjs on the couch - we've put together a list of Ian Fleming’s best James Bond books, and what makes them live and let die.

Read more