We concede that a shorn face feels nice during the warm months. That said, winter — like the would-be whiskers lurking beneath your face — will inevitably return. As the days grow colder, you’ll find that beardly insulation is much preferable to shaving. Instead of plunging yourself deeper into a facial war of attrition, why not lower the drawbridge, raise the portcullis, and at long last end the siege of Beardylon?
If shaving is war in this metaphor, then growing a beard is peace. However, peacetime comes with its own set of challenges. As with a peaceful nation-state, you can either do nothing and allow your beard to descend into chaos, or you can enact measures to sustain it and help it achieve extraordinary, glorious heights.
Dollar Beard Club makes it easy to maintain your beard. Instead of spending hours scouring stores for beard oils and other beard care products, you can have said products delivered to your door for as little as $1/month.
For a slightly higher monthly payment, you can receive a larger bottle of beard oil, plus wax, balm, and shampoo, plus an optional one-time purchase of a special beard comb or brush. “You sure as hell won’t be receiving any f&%king razors from us,” says DBC founder Chris Stoikos in a promotional video.
Related: The Manual’s Top Ten Best Beard Oils
If you have a beard, or plan to grow one in the near future, you would do well to sign up for the Dollar Beard Club. It’s cheap, it’s easy, and will help turn your beard into a weapon of mass seduction. Your membership is completely customizable, and doesn’t involve any commitments or contracts. If you like it, you do not have to put a ring on it.
To conclude, we thought we’d share the recently discovered first draft of Hamlet’s famous soliloquy (thank God for rewrites):
To beard, or not to beard, that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler for the face to suffer
The sting and burn of outrageous razors,
Or to take up arms against a mug of lacerations,
And by opposing heal them: to shave, to bleed
No more, and thereby grow a badass beard
Free from the burn and thousand stinging nicks
That flesh is heir to?
Click here to visit the Dollar Beard Club’s website and learn how to join.