We don’t talk about men’s mental health very often. We have all heard the same things over and over for the majority of our lives. “Man up,” “I don’t want to talk about it,” “I’m fine,” “I will figure it out.” All of these are things you and I have definitely used or heard in our day-to-day lives that make it seem (to us) that we are strong, capable, and invulnerable. The problem with the quest for invulnerability is that it stigmatizes vulnerability as weakness. It doesn’t start here, though; it starts with the daily stress we feel from work, life, and relationships. Never processing, just burying it. In a recent trip to Thailand, I landed in the new wellness program at Banyan Tree Krabi. Here, I learned something I will take with me forever: “Circle the door.”
Before I get into what I brought home with me, let’s talk about what I went in with. I am not a woo-woo kind of guy. I am the guy who has masked vulnerability with sarcasm, self-deprecation, and solitude for the majority of my life. Going into a situation where I was going to try to go face-to-face with my own emotional processes, I had to let go a little and go into it with some openness. So, without going into it with an open mind, there was no way I was going to come away with “Circle the door.”
Circle the door
The two things I struggle with mostly when I go into wellness retreats are yoga and meditation. I am a man, I don’t stretch. I lift heavy things and put them down. Then repeat until my life is fixed. Then I go home. That is what I was taught to do in the Army. Yoga was a girl’s thing. Meditation was a monk’s thing. I am neither a girl nor a monk. And, I finally discovered the benefits of yoga last year when I did it for the first time on a beach in Lake Tahoe. My back has been seizing up thanks to being on airplanes or hunched over a laptop for hours and hours on end. Yoga helped me. So, I have an open mind for meditation. But, if a coach can get me to quiet the mind and not get me to think about work, books, movies, baseball, and relationship stresses…it’s worth my considerable weight in gold.
When I sat down in the meditation room, it was exactly what you think it would be. yoga mats, plants, low lighting, and calming music. The coach (do you call someone leading a meditation a coach…) welcomed me in and sat me down in a comfortable position. When we started the meditation, my discomfort and lack of focus were obvious. Instead of ignoring it or addressing it with frustration, he exercised patience and told me to circle the door.
“Sure, easy peasy. What does that mean?”
He pointed to the bottom left side of the door and told me to follow the doorframe with my eyes and breathe in…counting to ten until I got to the top left corner. Then, he told me to cross the top edge of the doorframe and hold the breath while I counted to five and shifted my eyes to the top right corner. He instructed me to breathe out slowly, counting to ten and shifting my eyes down the right side of the doorframe back to the floor. Finally, hold my breath for another count of five while I crossed my eyes along the floor back to my starting point. Repeating that process focused my brain while allowing me to do the breath work, and got me through the exercise.
Paradise is a good backdrop
Let’s be honest, when you’re trying to find your zen, Thailand is an easy place to do it. Everywhere you look is picturesque. Banyan Tree Krabi was surrounded by majestic beaches, island-spotted bays, and a hospitable people who always make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. The resort knows those are its strengths, and they leaned in hard. The resort resembled the land around it, with glistening water everywhere you looked. But the boat trip from the resort to multiple beaches (and a hike up more stairs than I have ever seen) allowed me to take in all of the amazing vistas Thailand has to offer.
It was important for me to see the beauty that the rest of the world holds. It is easy to get blinders on to the world. To believe you only have the mission in front of you. Work, family, bills, house, and everything else act as the blinders to block the rest of the outside world. Banyan Tree found ways to release the rest of the world from my mind so I could focus on finding wellness at their resort.
Applying it later
Ok, I know I am lucky. I am blessed with the ability to go to the far side of the world to find an expert to unscramble my brain and get me refocused on what I need. And while we, as men, have a hard time becoming unbridled with our pressures, we don’t have to hop an expensive flight to go to a luxury resort to find our zen. I mean, you should definitely check out Banyan Tree if and when you get the chance. But lucky for you and me both, every room you enter has a door. Whenever I am walking around New York City, popping in and out of Orlando, or rushing through an airport to catch my connection, there is always a door nearby.
Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed, beaten down, or inadequate (you’re not alone; we all feel these even if we don’t ever talk about it), look to the nearest entryway, take a beat, and start at the bottom left corner of the doorframe and start the breathing exercise. It isn’t a fix for everything, but if I ever need to find a fix, step one for me is to circle the door.
