Men are simple creatures. At least, we outwardly are simple creatures. Underneath, we are as complicated as they come. Those of us who seem well adjusted and the ones who project having our s*** together are something else entirely. We are ducks on a pond. On the surface, everything is calm. Serene. But go a little deeper, and our little feet are going a mile a minute. While we navigate the same things as anyone else emotionally, intellectually, and philosophically, we are taught from an early age to bury it deep. We often even make jokes about keeping that stuff down where it belongs. We aren’t meant to be burdens; we are meant to remove them. Therefore, we have to remain unfazed, unbroken, and eventually, bridled by the things we can’t confront. That is where Devon Combs and Unbridled Retreats came into play for me.
When I was invited to come out and check out a men’s retreat on a ranch, I jumped at the idea. It isn’t because I am more emotionally advanced than you or any other man. Hell, I would venture that I am behind the eight ball on most of it, even if I have learned to pretend I am not. No, I jumped at the idea because I was promised some fun on a horse. I wanted to live out my John Wayne cowboy fantasy. But, between Devon’s insight and the cowboy wisdom of the cowboy on site, I ended up discovering a lot about myself and how I let my own insecurities keep me from becoming unbridled.
Not everything is downhill and shady
I grew up on horses, so this wasn’t anything new for me. I hadn’t ridden in a long time, but I was relatively comfortable around the animals and on the back of them. So this trip was supposed to be just a little getaway. No deep thinking. No hard work. I just wanted to unplug and go through the motions and take advantage of a little rest and relaxation while capturing the memories of my late grandfather, who always comes back to me when I see a horse. Instead, within ten minutes of being around Devon, she had me talking about myself. Not the where-ya-from or the how-ya-doin kind of things I am used to on these kinds of trips. No, I was talking about things I never let go of.
You see, there is a talent that people in this kind of work have. Many of them have been through most of the things you experience. They make you feel seen. They pull these things to the surface without any judgment. That is how they work. So in no time, I bought in along with the men sitting around me. Even the cowboy, whom I thought I would simply be talking about horses, hit me with wisdom left and right, and I still think about it two months later. One of the ones that hit home, when I was struggling to do something, was “not everything is downhill and shady.” Life isn’t easy. Sometimes it feels like rolling a rock uphill in the heat of the sun, and sometimes it feels like letting gravity do the work in the shade. Either way, in his world, all you gotta do is show up and put in the work, and you’ll get through it.
One thing you will find out, it works everywhere. Just show up and do the work, and you’ll solve ninety percent of your problems.
The best things in life aren’t things
Now, for Devon’s advice. I can’t and won’t share the issue in my life I presented to her (at my own free will because she just seemed to get it), but I can tell you this: almost all problems I have in my life are created internally. Not saying they aren’t valid, but they are internal. One of the best things about all my problems being internal is that all my solutions are also internal. Sitting in a circle and discussing issues with other men, I realized three things:
- Imposter syndrome is very real. I listen to all negative feedback about my work, my life, and my past, and dismiss all positive.
- Other men make it easier. While it is very difficult to talk about these things with men, because we’re all taught not to, they understand it. So once you open up to them and they open up to you, it flows.
- You learn just as much from the horses as you do from the coach, the cowboy, or the other men. They are incredibly intuitive. They read you. They know when you’re afraid. They know when you’re sad. They know when you’re frustrated. And they respond accordingly.
When we sat in the arena with a horse close by, we would talk about everything that bothered us. All the things we struggle with deep inside. The horse would come to us and lean his head over, as if listening. Sure, he/she wanted attention, they always do, but it was more than that. They would respond with subtle movements of the head in moments of levity. They would kick at the ground when one of us would get defensive. Small things that made you feel like they were in it with you. And that is the crux of the human/horse relationship. Nowhere else on Earth do predator and prey animals work together in such an outward show of cooperation. They have 360-degree vision thanks to the eyes on the sides of their heads, and we have depth perception due to eyes in the front. They have better hearing and sight and instincts for something going awry; we have deeper logic and strategy, forethought for navigating out of it. You have to trust each other. You have to work together to navigate. This is the true cowboy fantasy.
The idea of a symbiotic relationship with a horse, or carrying that ability to trust something or someone that can give you nothing but a judgment-free zone and no past or future, just a place to work through your s***, is the first step in becoming Unbridled.
Cowboy wisdom in a chaotic world – stay steady
At the end of the day, the world gets more and more chaotic and, sometimes, hopeless. But the advice of a cowboy is simple. Stay steady. Keep moving forward. Don’t let any obstacles, inside or out, keep you from the path. It sounds simple. It is. But, as a society, we are experts at complicating it. I may have gone out to the Unbridled Men’s Retreat with the intention of unplugging (and maybe even running from the things I knew were bubbling), but I came away with steps to take to confront and navigate those things. I left with three concepts I think about every single day:
- Not everything is downhill and shady. Show up and do the work, no matter what. It’s the best way to get through it.
- The best things in life aren’t things. Nothing you can buy will make you happy or forget about your past. The only way to find peace is in working through it with other men and being honest with them and yourself.
- Stay steady. Consistency is key. Just show up for yourself. Everything else will work itself out.
Devon Combs is a master at pulling all of these things out of you, even if you don’t think they exist within. She does it in a way that doesn’t feel invasive, doesn’t feel judgmental or condescending, and is applicable to your everyday life. Do yourself a favor and book a spot in her men’s retreat in November. You can live out your cowboy fantasy by riding horses, penning cattle, and maybe even smithing a horseshoe. But most importantly, you’ll work yourself out to become Unbridled while you’re at it.
