Need a gift for a fellow man, but can’t figure out what to get him? Well please, for the love of god, don’t settle for some half-assed gift cart to some place like Starbucks or Home Depot. Don’t get me wrong – I love miter saws and diamond-tipped drill bits as much as the next guy – it’s just that the whole concept of the gift card has always puzzled me. For the same 50 bucks, you could get your friend – well, 50 bucks – and maybe throw in a note that says, “if you’re in the area, I hear this place has great plywood.” Seriously, nobody remembers getting a gift card, so If you want to get your buddy something out of the ordinary that he’ll remember for years to come, get him a Man Crate.
WTF is a Man Crate, you ask? Allow me to fill you in. Man Crates are essentially the masculine equivalent of gift baskets, but instead of getting a bunch of scented soaps and knitted doilies in a decorativey-woven wicker baskets, you get an assortment of grub and gear in a solid-ass wooden crate – one you’ve got to tear open with a crowbar.
Remember how excited you used to get while opening presents as a kid? You were stoked as hell, right? There was just something so satisfying about ripping into a box like some sort of crazed ape just to get at the mysterious contents. I mean, don’t get me wrong – opening presents is still pretty fun, but you’ve got to admit that the act itself has lost its luster a bit now that you’ve grown up. Over the years, you’ve undoubtedly become a bit desensitized to the joy that comes with tearing cardboard apart with your bare hands, but trust me – you can experience that same juvenile wonderment once again by ripping into a wooden crate with a crowbar. These things are magical.
Each Man Crate you’ll find on the site is filled according to a different ‘theme’ of sorts. They’ve got one for every kind of guy – the gamer, the survivalist, the grill master, the spicy food fanatic, the bacon addict, and a bunch of others. And they’re not filled with run-of-the-mill bullshit either, the guys at ManCrates make sure their wooden boxes are filled with the finest gear and grub around.
The hot & spicy crate, for example, isn’t just filled with a measly Tabasco sampler and some jalapeño flavored pork rinds. Nah, this crate is pretty much guaranteed to make you either sweat, cry, or just drool all over yourself. It really just depends on how tough your tongue is. Inside the crate, you’ll a bunch of different sauces and snacks made by Blair Lazar – this crazy SOB from Jersey who makes a hot sauce SO hot that it could be watered down substantially and still act as an effective replacement for bear mace. You don’t get his Guiness-record holding hot sauce in your crate, but you’ll get an assortment of bottles ranging from about 20,000 to 550,000 on the Scoville Heat Scale – the latter of which bears a warning label that reads “do not consume without dilution”. You’ve been warned.
And that’s just one example. Every crate is filled with a curated selection of awesome stuff — the Grill Master crate comes with stuff like barbecue sauce, a smoker box, and brass-knuckle meat tenderizer. The Slaughterhouse Crate comes with an assortment of high-end dried meats, including Krave, which we came across last month and have been hooked on ever since. And the Zombie Survival crate? This badboy comes complete with a machete, first aid kit, and flashlight. Beginning to spot a trend? These boxes kick ass.
The Man Crates website is correspondingly awesome as well. It’s dead simple to navigate and the site’s clever filters make it easy to find just what you’re looking for. And if you’re a procrastinator, they’ve even got a ‘last minute’ feature that lets you order super late, but still save face by blaming Man Crates for the delayed arrival of your package (in a rather hilarious fashion we might add). Oh, and if you’re having trouble opening your crate after it arrives, they’ve even got an incredibly useful help page filled with expert advice.
Need I say more? Next time you need to get a gift for one of your bros, hit up ManCrates.com
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