The Ultimate Luxury Gift Guide You Can’t Afford (But Wish You Could)

Ballin’ on a budget is hard, but since you’ve been a very good boy this year, it’s time to whip out the credit cards and warn the bank you’re going shopping for the most extravagant gifts on the market. Rare, handcrafted, bigger, and better, these luxury presents include a $250 eye mask, $67,000 autographed baseball, cars, booze, and other goodies that offer comfort, affluence, and adventure.

Print out this list and write “Dear Santa” at the top.

Espresso Machine

Slayer Espresso Single Group Machine – $8,499

Slayer Espresso Single Group Machine

Keurigs are for peasants. Espresso machines are for gods. Start the holidays with a jolt by splurging on a Slayer Espresso Machine. These professional-quality machines are designed for “a discerning global clientele” and assembled by hand in Seattle. That’s right — made in the U.S. of A. Highly elegant and sleek as hell, this commercial home machine is “compact” with commercial barista bells and whistles, plus steam valves and a brew actuator. The touchscreen interface assists in flavor profiling and temperature management. It’s nearly $9,000, but can you put a price on a good cup of espresso? Nope, you can’t.

Luxe Recovery System

NormaTec Full-body Pulse 2.0 Recovery System – $3,495

NormaTec Full-body Pulse 2.0 Recovery System

Recover like LeBron James and Kevin Durant because your body is your freaking temple and ‘tis the season for being completely outlandish. Slip your arms and legs into a computerized massage and compression machine by NormaTec to boost recovery. Patented technology and massage patterns can improve flexibility and circulation, and reduce pain and soreness after a workout. Calling itself “today’s most advanced athlete recovery system,” NormaTec backs up this claim (and the $4,000 price tag) by the fact that 97% of pro teams use these. Time to dominate on the squash court, bruh.


Tom Ford Men’s Tom N.17 Sunglasses – $1,150

Tom Ford Men’s Tom N.17 Sunglasses

Half-rim horn glasses with photochromic mirror lenses should cost a month’s rent, right? Well, these luxury frames by Tom Ford do and what the hell, it’s the holidays! You’ve been such a good boy. Charge the card and ignore the statement. Think of how these handsome shades are made in Italy and have 100% UVA and UVB protection. You’re buying them for the sake of your eye health.

High-end Motorcycle

Jaguar-Land Rover Arc Vector Motorcycle – $117,000

Jaguar-Land Rover Arc Vector Motorcycle

Luxury British carmakers at Jaguar decided it’s not enough to rule the four-wheel domain. They want domination on two wheels as well. Good news for us this holiday! Jaguar invested in startup motorcycle company Vector (alongside Land Rover) to make an all-electric motorcycle called the Arc — the first of its kind. It takes only 40 minutes to charge and tops at 200 kmph. Only 399 units will be made and each will be “unique to its owner” says Vector. Catch one of the limited models for $117,000 and wait patiently since Santa won’t deliver it until summer 2020. Make your reservation with Vector and wait until summer to be naughty.


Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Watch – $69,777

Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Watch

Time is money, or in this case, time costs a lot of money. If you’re spending a small fortune on a watch, by all means, make it Swiss. This Audemars Piguet Royal Oak watch is an imported matte stunner made of 100% stainless steel and 100% sapphire glass. The link strap with folding buckle is to-the-point and splashed with neon orange index and cool chronographic functions.

Beauty Sleep

Derek Rose Sleep Mask – $250

Derek Rose Sleep Mask

Dudes need their beauty sleep, too. You may dream a little sweeter with the luxurious Derek Rose Sleep Mask. Herringbone cashmere and silk-satin keep light from leaking in, which may have prevented you from reaching REM and feeling rested before. Sleep experts say it’s essential to sleep in pure darkness, so, by all means, do it like a baller for $250. Plus, the silk-satin lining prevents irritation on the delicate skin around your eyes.

Vintage Camera

Vintage Leica M6 10500/10414 Colombo ’92 – $8,263

Vintage Leica M6 10500/10414 Colombo '92

Vintage goes hand in hand with luxury, especially if we’re talking mint-condition, perfectly preserved Leica cameras. Made in 1992 and still sealed in plastic, the Leica M6 10500/10414 Colombo ’92 will have you swearing off selfies and Instagram pics for good. Coming with an authentic Leica certificate and maker’s box, this present is also limited-edition as only 200 were made. Given a grade A for condition, this old camera is better than new.


Aldo Maria Camillo Shearling-Lined Leather Peacoat – $4,790

Aldo Maria Camillo Shearling-Lined Leather Peacoat

To think you almost bought a Snuggie once. It’s time to bundle up like a billionaire with the most comfortable jacket you’ll ever own. Aldo Maria Camillo’s double-breasted shearling-lined leather peacoat is crafted in Italy and makes any man look like a male model. The heavyweight distressed leather is smooth as butter and the 100% shearling liner will have you sleeping in this bank-busting jacket. Really, it’s the perfect winter jacket and makes you feel like a thousand — ahem — four thousand bucks.

First-Class Flight

Ethihad Airways Residence Round Trip Seat –  $31,000

There’s first-class and then there’s a luxury three-room apartment suite in the sky. Take a flight from Abu Dhabi, London, New York, Sydney, Paris, and Seoul just to bask in the affluence that is Ethihad Airways’ Residence “seat.” Designed for a max of two guests, the Residence includes an ensuite shower, private bedroom, separate living room, private concierge, and private airport lounge in Ethihad and JKF. Flying for the holidays is officially the best thing ever.

Game Room

William and Son Roulette Wheel – $15,840

William and Son Roulette Wheel

Bring the casino home with a gentleman’s Maple Veneer Roulette Wheel. Shake up a martini, slip into your smoking jacket, and raise the stakes. It’s official — the price for playing James Bond every day at home is $15,000. The maple veneer wheel is carved and polished in the United Kingdom by true William and Son artisans. You may be gambling with peanuts for a while until you can pay off this luxury piece, but it’s a big step up from magnet darts.

Quality Meat

Japanese Wagyu Beef –  $1,199

Don’t give me sugar cookies or fruitcake. Give me a Japanese Wagyu beef boneless ribeye. With an A5 grade (uh yeah, that’s good), this gorgeous hunk of meat will bring any man to tears. Antibiotic and hormone-free, this cut is taken from Kuroge cattle that have been raised by Japanese beef masters. Sweet flavor and velvety texture await. And whatever you do, do not overcook this beef. Rare is right.

Fake Racecar

CXC Motion Pro Racing Simulator – $66,600

We love a good game of Super Mario Racing but it’s hard to beat the thrill of a pro racing simulator. Clear out the second bedroom because this CXC Motion Pro Racing machine will take up space. A panoramic display system engulfs you in the throttle while virtual reality goggles make the experience almost trippy. Shake, rattle, and race, all while staying out of the snow and ice.

Sports Memorabilia

Babe Ruth Autographed Baseball – $67,524

Babe Ruth Autographed Baseball

Any baseball aficionado will go crazy over this signed Babe Ruth baseball. Paired with a certificate of authenticity, you’re gifting a piece of history that can be passed down for generations. Better spring for a protective box as a second gift so the dog doesn’t chew up a $67,000 ball. The Babe Hancock is signed with a steel-tipped fountain pen and vintage blue and yellow stitching complete this extravagant throwback.

Snow Toy

Polaris 800 Titan XC Snowmobile – $14,499

Polaris 800 Titan XC Snowmobile

Forget the toil of snowshoeing and skiing — make tracks through gnarly terrain with the cross-country tough sled Polaris 800 Titan XC. Built for snowmobile riders who want a high-performance pow toy without any grunt, you’ll be able to enjoy the delights of high-alpine winter without frozen piglets. The electric start is fire and the shocks and suspension feel like floating. An AXYS chassis also positions the rider in near-complete control even in sketchy passes.

Aged Whiskey

Macallan 52 Year – $58,999

Macallan 52 Year

As if we would make a luxury guide without ridiculously expensive booze. Macallan 52 Year is our reward for a year well done, aged over half a century. An absurdly rich and complex whiskey, this Scottish scotch has deep cherry and dark chocolate layers highlighted by warm and woodsy oak. “Remarkably rare” and patiently aged, sip slowly and enjoy by the hearth.

Holiday Crackers

Luxury Christmas Crackers – $330

Luxury Christmas Crackers

Holiday party poppers are a seasonal ritual and Smythson sticks to tradition. Sort of. These poppers are designed to be shared over a holiday meal or at a party and are made from paper and cardboard. One pack includes six poppers, each containing a Smythson Wee notebook, paper hat, and joke card. The only non-traditional part? The price. Smythson charges $300 for a set that usually averages $5-$20. Good to have on hand in case Oprah shows up to dinner.

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