There’s An App For That? Bats••t Crazy But Real Apps


My oh my, how the times have changed.

A few short years ago, if you wanted to listen to a bit of music, you made your way over to the gramophone. If you wanted to send a text-based missive to an acquaintance, you turned to the Postal Service or ordered a telegram. If you wanted to watch a program, you sat down in front of the Look-O-Box.

Now all those tasks, and so many more, are handled by that ubiquitous device you clutch so dearly in that little claw of yours, the smartphone! What has enabled these devices to supplant so many other types of technology? Why, the app, of course. And I’m not talking about shrimp cocktails, except for in this current sentence, in which I am, in fact, talking about shrimp cocktails.

Related: Outdoor Apps

When apps (or “applications”) first began cropping up in the late 1960s (or maybe it was the early 2000s), it was considered the height of fashion to say: “There’s an app for that!” whenever applicable. Appropriate use of this phrase elicited tittering laughter from the ladies and backslapping from the gentlemen. For example, were a fellow to say “I should certainly like it were my iPhone to make a noise like a lightsaber from those inimitable (original) Star Wars films,” you would then shriek “There’s an app for that!” And now that we’ve beaten that horse well past the point of death…

As you surely know, today there really are apps for just about everything, and that’s true whether you use an iPhone, Android, or other platform. Some apps are quite useful, helping you manage your schedule, access streaming video content, or battle zombies. Then we have some selections from the fringe…

Batshit crazy though they may seem, these are all real, honest-to-goodness apps you can download right now. (But which you probably shouldn’t.)

Hold On Hold On

This app is a waste of time. That’s literally all it is, and I’m literally almost using the word “literally” properly. You launch the app, then you hold the gray button that says Hold On for “as long as you can,” which can also be read as “until the crushing realization of the futility at hand crystalizes in your suddenly seething brain.” Check your score to see how much of your goddamn life you wasted last time, and don’t forget to submit your score so you can suffer the scrutiny of others!

car mateyCarrr Matey

Have you ever forgotten where you parked your car and ended up wasting precious time searching for it? Did you ever wish there were some way to record your vehicle’s location for easy recovery? And have you wished that this recovery process would be narrated by a pirate? Probably lost you on the last point there, but… if a pirate guide is your thing, this is your app.

drunk dial noDrunk Dial No!

OK, this is actually not a bad idea for some people. If you have a tendency to tipple and then you start calling/texting/sexting people who might be better left alone or contacted when you were sober, then let your sober self take control before it’s too late. This app allows you to set select contacts as off limits after certain hours or for certain chunks of time. Of course you can bypass it by manually typing in their number…

finger treadmillFinger Treadmill

If you use this app once or twice as a joke to share with your friends or a date, fine, have your fun. If you use this app for more than two or three minutes total (as in during your lifetime), then guess what, buddy? Your problem isn’t the Finger Treadmill app, it’s the proverbial hamster wheel of your entire existence.

llama duckLlama or Duck

Do you think you have what it takes to discern the difference between a llama and a duck? This app will help prove your mettle! The images flash and it’s up to you to click the right box… is that a duck? Was it a llama? What the hell are you doing with yourself, man? There are mountains to climb, books to read, humans with whom to speak, a whole–wait, it was a duck? Dammit! OK, try again…